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Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Abandoned Buildings in St. Louis: Magic and Death

1. If one person looks another in the eye while sitting in the former cafeteria at the former Enright Middle School, the first person will begin shivering and the second person will go home angry but will not be able to explain why.

2. To ensure seven years of good luck, dance with your best friend in one of the two tallest buildings at Carondelet Coke. (If your best friend cannot make the date: you will be cursed with occasional acne for a period of three weeks or less, depending on the number of syllables in your best friend's mother's maiden name.)

3. [Archaic.] If a person stands in a hallway of the Tower of the City Hospital and hears a whistling sound, that person needs to repent for an injustice against a close relative. (Alternate version heard in Soulard Market: The whistling connotes imminent death.)

4. While standing in the locker room of the Armour Packing Plant, say the name of your beloved three times, then spit violently. That person will never stop calling you. To reverse this spell, you have to gather four rusty bolts of varying sizes and place them in your right shoe for two days before putting that shoe on and returning to the Armour Packing Plant. Then you must stand motionless on the roof for three minutes, and cannot think about any of these things: tax collection, leather, onion soup, sex with your loved one. You only have one chance to reverse this spell without having to actually take responsibility for your actions.

5. If a couple conceives a child in St. Mary's Infirmary, they will name the child Jean or Lucinda if the child is female or Thomas or Lawrence if the child is male.